So Wootie has threatened me with bodily harm if I don’t occasionally report about our questing. Since one of her favorite spells is “Scorching Burst” and I like not being on fire, here I am. First let me introduce myself, I am Vikinia the daughter of the great elven fighter, Stevenius. Sadly, like Wootica, I lost my family at a young age. A clan of evil dwarves snuck into my village one night and killed my people. I was able to hide and eventually escape, but not before seeing my parents killed (I can still hear their screams). From that day on, my sole purpose in life has been to hunt down the clan responsible for that attack and attain justice for my family and village.

Luckily, I was taken in by a great human fighter Magnum McManus the Magnificent the Third a year later. He taught me everything he knew, becoming a second father to me. I believe he was so quick to take me in because he was forbidden to see his own son who is half elf by the elven elders (they can be real sticklers about cross breeding). As fate would have it, he became very sick when I was about 13, no spells or potions could cure his illness. After spending a few years taking care of him, he passed away. Again, I was on my own. After living here and there, trying to get by any way that I could, I was finally reunited with my distant cousin Wootica through one of her, ahem, male friends. Anyway, together with Ladyboy we formed the Five Tampon Knights. Now we attempt to do good for people in need, but really, it all boils down to how much they can pay. Maybe one day we will be wealthy enough to do pro-bono work but until then, we need a little “something, something” in return.

As Wootica said in her writings, our first documented quest went well, if you don’t count me almost dying. What can I say? I was a bit distracted by a tall, dark, handsome visitor that I had earlier that day. That visitor was Beriothien, his elvish name, but he prefers to go by Liam, the name his human father gave him.  He is a half elf, half human bounty hunter from my past and he had some news on the evil dwarf clan that I’m looking for. That information occupied my mind. That and the fact that he thought it would be ok to just kiss me. I mean yes we have a history, but just to show up out of the blue? I mean he coulda sent a letter, but nooo…instead it’s all, “Oh hey, here’s some info on the dwarves. And oh yeah, here’s my tongue in you mouth.” Really Liam? Really? Uh…oh…right..where was I? So like I was saying, maybe all my attention wasn’t on the task at hand. After a little rest and recuperation, FTK was back out fighting baddies and racking up some loot.

After clearing the entry way on our first quest, we continued on deeper into the basement of the mansion. The next room we found ourselves in had four coffins, 2 pretty cool looking suits of armor, and 2 kobolds who were not too happy to see us. With my perceptiveness I was able to see that the armor was actually booby trapped. I had a gut feeling that the triggers we in the floor. My feeling was confirmed when in the first few steps into the room I landed on one of those triggers. I was shot with a dart, which immobilized me for a bit. I watched some of the action as Ladyboy and Wootica battled the kobolds, until Ladyboy was able to pull me off the trigger.

Once I gained my mobility back I jumped right into the fight. Sadly Ladyboy also found a two more of the triggers, but Wootica quickly got him/her off of them so we could kick some kobold ass. After clearing the room, Ladyboy decided to riffle through the coffins in the room. There he/she found an amulet and after a small debate on whether or not the occupant of the coffin needed the amulet, we decided they would have wanted Ladyboy to have it.

We moved on into the next room where, once again, there were coffins. There was also a sticky sludge pit in the middle of the room which had some small animal skulls in it. There were also 2 more kobolds and 2 minions. The minions were playing a game with an animal skull that had been dipped in the sludge and was being swung back and forth on a rope (Skull-on-a Rope). Wootica and Ladyboy jumped into action with all their spells and skills, but because all my talent requires up close and personal positioning I began moving through out the room. I was able to use the small animal skulls to my advantage during the attack by chucking them at the bad guys. After much fighting and some interesting phrases from Wootica (You want us to do what to your what?), we finished off the bad guys. To our shock, mine especially, a drake emerged just inches from me. He tried multiple times to bite my head off, but thankfully failed. Once it was defeated, we explored the room, discovering some gold and jewels. Win!

The delicious feast Wootica prepared for us.  After all, you can’t quest on an empty stomach!

Bad guys?  Oh yeah, we’re ready for ‘em!

Thanks to Par Winimar, the owner of our favorite bar, for giving us the healing potion.  I don’t think Wootie would have made it through without it!

The awesome spinning sweep that helped to take out one of the kubolds.

The DM’s familiar decided to get in on the action again.  

And so our quest for fortune and glory begins (slowly, ever so slowly)! As our benevolent, patient, and long-suffering DM has mentioned previously, we are the Five Tampon Knights (FTK for polite company), an adventuring group for hire (“We leave a trail of blood, guaranteed” is the classy slogan we settled upon). No doubt you’ve heard of us, as we’ve achieved some minor renown for past feats (or at least  the DM informed us such was the case. For some reason, we can’t recall these previous adventures). Obviously, these feats were glorious, but glory doesn’t keep one fed. Time to hit the road again, it would seem.

Before recounting our awesome escapades, it is only polite to pause and introduce myself. Among the Eladrian people, I am the one, the only, Grendelina, Slayer of Leaves (don’t ask) and Seducer of Men (ask, but only when I’m tipsy, good stories abound). However, to friends, I am merely Wootica, or Woo, or, sigh, to my less than brilliant, (very) distant cousin, Vikinia, “Wooty.” Though a proud Fey, I must confess my past is marked with great tragedy (it seems like everyone here has a tragic past, oddly enough. What’s that about, I wonder). When I was very young, I showed great promise in the Arcane arts. Unfortunately, as I was yet untrained, I inadvertantly burnt down the family home, with most of my family still within it…

Sorry, I needed a moment to recover. Painful memories. After this less than illustrious beginning, I was taken in by…someone…at some university…apparently that part of my memory is a little patchy, but it was a very traumatic time. Still, it’s not all bad news! I have grown more proficient as a result of my studies (accuracy seems to remain a bit of an issue). Moreover, I reconnected with Vikinia, the last of my distant kin after her own misfortune (personal stories are best told by those that experience them). This presents me with the opportunity to make amends for my past shame, as I join her in her quest to avenge her family (I think I just spoiled her story slightly). Furthermore, we are accompanied in our adventures by Ladyboy Bruce Glitterkin, a Dragonborn of indescriminate sex. That’s another lovely little history in which I had a hand, but I will leave it for our dear Ladyboy to tell.

So, on the particular day that you, dear reader, are joining us, we were enjoying a few at the Blue Moon Tavern in Fallcrest, where we set up shop for the time. Where better to drum up business than the place people come to drink their woes away? Opportunities are abundant! As one should expect, kobolds have been hassling a local armorer. After some rather “intense” bargaining, we promised to find their hideout and retrieve our fair armorer’s wagon. Surprisingly, we managed to get to the run-down mansion with no troubles (not a normal occurrence, as I’m sure you’re well aware). Naturally, once in, the “excitement” began, as we encountered two “slingers” and two “skirmishers.” As our skills were rusty with disuse (clearly, we’ve been away from our work too long), it took us about three hours to clean up that little mess. I broke out my Sphere of Flame (and few Magic Missiles), Ladyboy used his/her Dragonbreath, and poor Vikinia almost died (that would have been bad) but not before kicking some kobold butt.  As the evening wore on, and Vikinia bled out, we decided that clearing the front room was enough work for the day, choosing to retire to the tavern for a quick refresher. Naturally, now that we’ve scouted out the area, we’ll return, hopefully with reinforcements (oh yes, we’re hiring)!  

Fortunately, a roving and mystical sketch artist was on hand to capture the spirits that move us.

Here you may see a fine portrait of our DM and his familiar:

And here we are, ready to fight!

And here, my own fine spirit guide demonstrates the Arcane Arts (which we lovingly call “schmizarts”), creating a Sphere of Fire:

Vikinia’s spirit has ample…fighting skills, here demonstrating her ability to cleave with a good natured “Bam!”

Ladyboy’s spirit, despite experiencing some oral numbness (one side-effect of drooling acid, one must suppose) also kicked butt:

And simply because this is my entry, here’s my cheerful spirit bidding you welcome to our quests:

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was Barnes & Noble. My girlfriend and I noticed the Dungeons & Dragons section and she seemed genuinely interested. I figured, sure, let’s try it out. I bought a red box labeled ‘Starter Set.’ My cat definitely seemed to enjoy it.

After browsing through the pamphlets provided in it, I knew that we would eventually want to play with more races and classes. So over the next few days, I researched only to discover that I needed to get the core books which include the Player’s Handbook, Dungeon Master’s Guide and Monster Manual. I spent quite a few hours reading and rereading the DNG and PHB, not really retaining a whole lot. Clearly, the first few sessions would go a little slow as we got into the swing of the things, as the group, including myself, are (for the most part) noobs to D&D. Sure, I’ve played a few tabletop games a few times with friends, but never a steady campaign. There was always someone who regularly played and would guide us. This time I have to figure everything out from scratch.

After a few weeks of reading the books, looking up D&D blogs,  subscribing to the D&D podcast, and watching the PAX celebrity session with Wil Wheaton, we actually created some characters. Naturally, the power went out while dinner was prepared. Thankfully our gas stove continued to churn out the honey beer chicken. We wasted the last of daylight, then started to play by candle and iPhone light - making sure to save up every ounce of energy we could. My sister used the cover of darkness to create a dice tower.

We were able to (I think) successfully create three characters, save for selecting armor and gear. I got stuck looking up how many powers players were able to choose. The rulebooks can be wordy and starting out is kinda tough when having to flip though so many pages to figure out how things work. It’ll get easier with practice. 

During our second impromptu session, we actually finished selecting equipment, weapons and other various adventuring gear. During the times where I was silently lost in the books looking up rules, the players decided to create some lovely portraits of their characters. It is my honor to present to you:

Grendelina, Slayer of Leaves and Seducer of Men, Or, as she is known to friends, Wootica - an Eladrin Wizard (who clearly has great taste in music and spell-casting)

Vikinia, Daughter of Stevenius - an Elf Fighter (whose inability to spell “humorous” can be attributed to a low intelligence score)

Ladyboy Bruce Glitterkin - a Dragonborn Rogue (that’s acid dripping out of her/his mouth)

Together they are the founding members of the Five Tampon Knights (FTK, for short). If you haven’t figured it out yet, the players are all female with an acute sense of humor. It’s been quite the experience.

Soon I’ll plan out our first actual gameplay session, as well as help our other players create characters. Then we can actually get around to learning how to run encounters. I’m excited to see where the story goes.